sniffles

so im doing a ton better! it feels good....."carry the burden, not the load"...i repeated that over and over in my head all weekend. im just livin life and having fun. saturday night was so funny. krispy kreme trips at 1030 at night are so funny bc the people on staff prob thought we were idiots lol. but it was a lot of fun...except for the freezing cold ride....lol but now i have a little sniffly nose..which is never fun but ill be ok..

i cant win this battle...... so why try..

help

I told a friend a secret. i dont know what to do. i just need help.


im scared

reality

so far this weekend ive just taken a step back and its so refreshing.
singing last night at practice was such an escape. its like time stopped.
today i got up early to go garage saleing and go out for breakfast.
so far for the rest of today me and ben have been just sitting here listening to music.

sometimes i just like getting away from the world

please

im on the bottom and just want a way out. but everytime i get up another punch comes and takes my breath away.

please show me how to get up!!!

I cant take anymore. im not strong enough.

gone

So i got a phone call last night that almost caused my blood to stop. i was driving home from halles pageant and my mom called saying mandy (a girl that was like my big sister growing up) had been in an accident with her two babies and they were all recieving cpr. i was speechless. i just hung up the phone i didnt say anything. i called a friend and had her pray that everything was ok. i thought about all the memories i had with this girl...i pulled in the garage and was expecting to go upstairs to hear they were alright and the accident wasnt too bad. i opened the door and all the lights were out. i heard my mom sobbing uncontrolably then she was standing there saying over and over

"theyre gone. theyre all gone. theyre dead."

all i could say was what? over and over and over. by this time my mom was pacing the kitchen still in her workout clothes. she was uncontrolable. i turned right around, walked down the stairs, and sat on the driveway and just cried. i couldnt help it. i hadnt talked to mandy in a few years. it was unreal. in such a quick moment could someone really be gone that fast. i called the girl i had asked to pray and told her the news. she was speechless. mandy and her babies. gone.

i went back upstairs and cried myself to sleep.

i left my house this mornign at 645 (45 min early) and jsut sat in my car at school. my mom called me. she said shed been up all night. she explained the accidnet....a drunk driver had sped through a stop sign going 60 mph and hit them. josh (mandys husband) is a volunteer fireman and found out about the accident when the liscense plate number flashed on the screen signalling an accident had happend. he recognized the number as his wifes. he has lost them. lost.

why?

i cant take anymore.

http://abclocal.go.com/wls/story?section=news/local&id=6493693

want

im sorry. this is in no way the plan i had. i never wanted this to happen. but what am i to say. there was no way out. this was it.

i wanted security.
i wanted comfort.
i wanted an escape.
i wanted attention.
i wanted only you.
i tried to help you.
i tried to push you to be better.
i tried to be yours.
i tried to make everything...perfect.

it wasnt just me. i had to share you. i had to let you balance.

i hate its like this. i never intended this to happen. but you didnt understand. i dont know if you still do.

im sorry i wanted you for my own. i guess i was only selfish. it wont happen again.

hiding

is there anyway to hide. from everything going on. from everything ive done. from everything?


i just want to go to sleep until its all over

why?

Only you know

come walk with me
speak to my heart
whats deep in me
only you know
come walk with me

Im standing in a crowd all alone. The people around me are invisible. The noises make silence. The barriers become bridges. The doors are shut to make hallways. The windows see out to nothing.

I look for you all around. I sit and cry in the altar when youre right there. standing on the stage. but I cant climb high enough. Every step I take keeps me at the same level.

Im like a note trying to harmonize with your lead. The melody is right there.

The love Im searching for is written on your heart.