why cant i have it

i want to climb this mountain but someone is tying a rope around my waist that is attatched to a tree at the bottom not letting me get any higher.

its as if im in the alter and want god more than ever and something new and hes standing right above me and i just cant reach him.


what happened to getting a new beginning?
having a fresh start?

all i seem to do is find myself looking and longing to go farther back into what was. to give up my future just to return to the comfort of what was.

i want god more than ANYTHING but even when i move everything aside for just taht second of love and comfort the things in my life taht control me dont allow my moment of desire..

I want to be able to have that time rather than having every second of everyday planned for me...i cant stand waiting

i cant stand waiting to get that one moment. i cant stand having to sit here and type everyhting i want when i know i cant get more than 5 min for god....ITS PATHETIC

i do want it. i do want it. i do want it.

i feel as if im in a sinking whole where god is the stick pulling me out and the one inch out i get a new earthly obstacle pulls me 5 feet farther down. im drowning in a world of appealing desires....


i want out and i want my god.........more than anything

i can

im happy being alone.

no im not saying im lonely or theres no one there for me because thats not the truth. im happy when im alone. like i feel that no ones there at that moment. but i find happiness there.

in the silence i can sing.
in the crowd i can stand out.
in the mess i am pure.
in the darkness he gives me light.

my god keeps me company. in him i am happy.

happy enough to be alone with him.

really

so sometimes i just straight up hate when theres a lack of communication.

sometimes its really just plain rude when theres something to be said and when you dont and blame me for not knowing, well have a problem.

im so tired of this. not much more can be handled.

its time for change!

numb

ever been so content that youre a little numb to whats going on around?

ever since some big things took place ive been overall...happy...its a weird feeling since ive been stressed and upset for a really long time. but i got help. and now i can live with it. the expectations just became surprises if they came through rather than heartbreaks if they didnt.

ive gotten passed so many things and obstacles. ive learned to go through things rather than skirt around them. the longer i would hestitate and hold off the confrontation the bigger the storm got.

i wanna suggest a book to anyone that is willing to read it. it tells a story of storms and hurt. The Christmas Sweater is the name. its a great book. i learned a lot from it. anyone can borrow my copy if needed.

i hope this time of being content and happy lasts cause i LOVE it!!

?

why hope?
for it to just disappear.
why hope?
for something that of course wouldnt happen.
why hope?
only expecting disappointment.

hope is gone.

scars

some things are able to just roll of our shoulders but others cut deep....real deep.

i can honestly say i have been scarred. not from any close friend or old friend or anything like that.
from the people i thought understood....it hurt. it still hurts.......but it was my fault

i have problems. im getting help.

What did i do? Why am i like this? How do i fix it?


WHO AM I?!

sniffles

so im doing a ton better! it feels good....."carry the burden, not the load"...i repeated that over and over in my head all weekend. im just livin life and having fun. saturday night was so funny. krispy kreme trips at 1030 at night are so funny bc the people on staff prob thought we were idiots lol. but it was a lot of fun...except for the freezing cold ride....lol but now i have a little sniffly nose..which is never fun but ill be ok..

i cant win this battle...... so why try..